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If at first you don’t succeed…

December 29, 2017 § Leave a comment

The sun dips its face into the ocean, staining the blue sea with black. Darkness descends and drapes over the city like a velvet curtain as street lamps blink themselves awake, inviting moths to dance around their sombre light. From a few houses down I could hear the pumping of loud music while the faint smell of smoke and grilled meat lingers in the air.

The house is empty save for myself, and my two dogs asleep at my feet. We’re in that in-between period, moving from Christmas into the New Year and the festivities refuse to stop. Time is steam-rolling towards the finale and shows no sign of slowing down. And as I listen to my neighbours play Top 40 radio music through the stereo while hollering at each other in drunken stupor, I sit here and ponder to myself: where did the time go?

We are not the same person we were yesterday, let alone last year. But I cannot help but feel that I have not changed. Maybe in some aspects, but as a person? Not really. I mean sure, my hair is longer. I no longer shop at Jay Jays or Ice Clothing. But this year was a stagnant year for personal growth. And although I am not in the same place as where I used to be, I don’t feel like I’ve moved forward. On the contrary I may have even back pedalled.

The hardest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies. I have burned bridges to the ground over misunderstandings and minor disagreements, all of which could have been avoided if only the other person/s would meet me in the middle. Now in it’s place resides bitter resentment and sour memories – although I do find great amusement in our petty disputes. But I digress.

Selfishness is not a bad attribute to have, unless it is at the expense of another. I have hurt people close to me – people who love me – not only because of the selfish choices I’ve made, but also for the ones I didn’t.

That isn’t to say the whole year was terrible. I still hold the people who matter to me close to my heart, and am grateful that they remain beside me through the stormy weathers. I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and nothing brings me more joy and relief to know that our ship is still sailing despite these tides. I receive more love and support than I deserve, but regardless I am thankful for the memories they’ve given me and I look forward to the ones that have yet to come.

So, where do we go from here?

It is naive to believe that the new year guarantees a new beginning – that somehow as our planet completes one cycle around our dying sun that we can change our lives as it starts another. Change comes from within, and it only happens when you make it. And yet we hope for it anyway, for something new and something different, to turn the page and start anew on a clean slate. The power of a new year’s resolution is motivation. I can’t promise that I will change, because I have a bad habit of either breaking promises or making empty ones. So the least that I can hope for is that I’ll try.

2018 will be the year of trying.